I have had my share of loss in life—more than some and less than others. I have walked the long road of terminal illness with a parent and a best friend, ultimately losing them in death. This weekend, fear of loss was knocking at the door of my house, but passed with great relief. Perhaps you know the feeling of sitting in an emergency room for hours, as everyone waits with anxious uncertainty to know if the news is good or bad. This weekend, it was good news for our family but I know it wasn’t for all the families in the waiting room. And it won’t always be for us.
Love is precious and life is fragile. For me, the weekend’s experience revived my awareness that painful feelings of loss are an inevitable part of love. You can’t have one without the other.
Grief is a painful process, indeed. And it’s not just the losing that hurts. I find it so painful to see someone I love suffer. To see my loved one in pain or in fear just breaks my heart. Sometimes I wish I weren’t so sensitive. I wish I could turn away from those painful feelings and be a bit more distant, a bit more matter-of-fact. But I realize that would also mean that I was a bit less in touch with love. And that is not something I would wish to give up. To be true to my best self, I must embrace the reality that the more I love, the more painful the loss.
In writing about the death of his dear friend, the poet Tennyson expressed this truth in the music and rhythm of these words:
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
I think we instinctively turn Tennyson’s observation into a question: is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before? We are often undecided about the answer, plagued by the question at a very deep level. We ask, wouldn’t it be better to protect ourselves from the pain of loss by never loving—really loving—at all?
Much of the isolation we experience in life is related to this fear of loss. If we stay distant, we imagine we protect ourselves. This is very unconscious, of course. We don’t consciously set out to keep a buffer between ourselves and others. We say we want to be close, but we tell ourselves that we can’t be close because we haven’t met the right person or we don’t have the time, the patience, the trust, or the flexibility to risk it.
Would you consider the idea that when we are overly picky, judgmental, or cautious that we are unconsciously putting up barriers so that we do not have to be in touch with all the risks involved in really, really loving someone? We tell ourselves that our friend or partner or sibling isn’t good enough, trustworthy enough, or safe enough. Perhaps we don’t open ourselves to love as fully as we could because we are so frightened that the relationship won’t work out It is a strategy of safety, but at what cost?
How sad it would be to live our lives in a mode of self-protection that costs us some of the most precious experiences of life: to love and to be loved. We exchange a life of fulfillment for a life of safety. We exchange one kind of pain for another: the pain of love-and-loss for the pain of loneliness. We must each ask ourselves if that is a trade we are willing to make.
Love costs so much because it gives so much. After all, if it didn’t give so much, we wouldn’t be in such pain when we lose it. For me, that is a trade-off worth its weight in gold.
Copyright 2012 Jennifer L. Kunst, Ph.D.
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Love is one the strong sense and feeling defined in the human species and the issue that it has a significant influence in different forms in the persons' lives is an undeniable fact. To some individuals, when the love matter comes in the mind, they consider it as a disturbing matter and never want to experience it in their real lives. To my perspective, even though falling love is associated with the resentment and mental persecution, it is worth to be in love of somebody. In follows, I delineate my justifications and put forward some cogent reasons for it.
First and foremost, love is an incredibly valuable feeling and sense and it is one the certain and inevitable aspect of human characters. As a matter of fact, love is one the natural and normal feeling in the human that should be suppressed. Actually, a man or women can be morally and emotionally complete by their love affairs. Suppose a girl falls in love of her classmate at first glance. In spite of all offensiveness and annoyances that the girl can deal with especially when that feeling is not mutual and similar from the guy’s side, the personality of the girl is changed and tended to be perfect and mature,. Consequently, she knows how to control and keeps her holding bag facing a favorite personality of her.
Second reason that I can put forward here to persuade and admire the love importance in the life is that the best feeling that everybody can experience is falling in love. Less or more, love is beside great pleasure and satisfaction that most people prefer to have even for one time in their lifetime. To be precise, there is no the same feeling that can touch soul and heart of human beyond all relations defined as family, occupational, commercial, cooperative relations in the societies.
Last but not least, love might alter the way of living and brings some kind of progress and promotion for the lover during the period of being in love of somebody, all of the mind belongs to that specific person. Unconsciously, with spending more time and thinking over a love, your character, hobbies, and even your customs are getting another color. Ultimately, in this way, person might come up an artist, poet, musician, or painter and thus he looking for a way to express his feeling can find some talents and create worthy works of art. In fact, love is companied with art or in other words, it leads to art in various forms.
To sum up, nobody would say that love should be happened or repeated in the today's persons' lives, even though we are hearing about the resentments and heartbreaking offences beside love. A lover loses het time, her money, her best time of her youth for getting the most admirable and laudable sense which never can be forgotten,